Of the sweet call of insanity, and the safety of ordinary

There are a few things I should mention off the bat, firstly I'm not exactly sure how the term 'off the bat' came to be or how it really makes any real sense but I'm using it so there... secondly, I don't think I can really claim any true moments of insanity, so any argument regarding that point is highly hypothetical, I'll have to confer with a true bat-shit looney - fortunately it's Calgary, I can find one sleeping in the park a few blocks away - or one of the mayoral candidates. Err probably not, even I can handle only so much insanity, anyway getting to the realm of some sort of theme/plot/point/toaster.

I've honestly thought that it would be quite comfortable to be stark raving mad, especially in this pc society we live in. Though what is insanity? The dictionary definition is well, not exactly sure, but one randomly googled quote says 'Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting the same result'.

So in that regard, who is really insane?
/// yes that is it, an open fucking question, unfortunately have not the wherewithal to completely finish an essay type blog on insanity so please feel free to rough out that last question for yourself... I already know my answer, which lead to a closing quote also from a random google:

"It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have ones doubts"

Let's just say I'm feeling very comfortable.

"Of Giving, dogs and acceptance"


Well, unfortunately missed the month of August to complete a post so kinda bummed out about that, ah well will try for a return to weekly blog entries this month.
It's been an interesting month for myself and everyone around me, not sure if it's a planetary alignment thing or it's just because it's the last month of summer... well more like something akin to summer but not quite if you live in Canada (except for Victoria).

Recent events have led me to question the concept of giving and selfishness, hmm, not exactly true... always considered those things just this past month kind forced me to form a hard opinion on the matter.
I've always been a giving kind of fellow, maybe not overly friendly but would try to do nice things for those around me. Over the years I've discovered a few things; people (especially in western culture) aren't used to giving very much of oneself - money and material goods yes... of themselves - not so much. Another is that I've steadily grown a deep and distinct hatred toward people, maybe hatred is too strong a word... distrust would be far more accurate. Giving of oneself with out expectation of return is one of the hardest things to do, because as soon as you being to expect things of others its amazing how fast one can get disappointed and end up feeling used and betrayed.
Of course I'm being extremely vague and generalizing quite a bit, but I'm sure everyone at some point or another has gone through similar experience to varying degrees. I think it comes down to having faith in other people... or trust, which is amazingly nearly synonymous with faith (at least for the purpose of this topic... err, what topic?).
Hmm, running short on time and I'd hate to relegate this post to the black hole that is the blogspot Drafts section (many a promising post be lost there). So this incomplete piece will be posted (obviously since it's being read it's been posted... or has it?) and hopefully will get around to updating it when the chance arises.
Err, though just for reference, the dog refers to the family mutt that I have to take care of for a while (serious inconvenience) and the acceptance refers to taking ownership of who one is and how you're treated by others - ie accepting that people are by far and large selfish, but that shouldn't make one change who they are to stop feeling hurt, be aware of who others are and accept them for it, while learning to .... I have no idea where this is going now, meh, it'll all make sense in the edited version... it will... really.

Seeking enlightenment and other tales of misunderstanding

Well, it's been a few weeks overdue but finally decided to bite the bullet and try writing about my recent experience meditating for 10 days just south of Merrit BC (the province, not time wise).
Probably my biggest hesitation in trying to explain or share my experience (aside from the extremely personal subject matter) is the chance of misunderstanding, since it is hard to describe fully without coloring with ones own interpretations that might not translate well if there isn't a common ground of understanding... my god that sounded pretentious. Alright screw it, I'll just try my best to explain and if some people believe I've joined a flying spaghetti monster cult then so be it.

I guess it all started with my own self created doubts and problems, I tend to fall into patterns of self destruction every so often - nothing flashy just a spiraling decay of apathy and self hatred. What I would eventually realize is how universal the experience of it was, but that's for later, my usual methods of coping would be escapism. Pretty much a fancy way of saying running from problems by ignoring them or closing myself off so completely as to shut down, oddly enough I could still function if absolutely required but was unable to connect with people beyond a formal politeness. Though for a while lived pretty much like a hikkomori or shut in, still recovering from the effects of that socially and economically. So long story short, I was a bit messed and needed help in some form, and there is quite a lot of help out there, the best kind being trust worthy friends and family, or else religion, head shrinker's (can't spell psychiatrists), relying on addictions (see this), support groups, crisis help lines... you get the idea. None of the above really seemed like an option for me, mainly because I was incapable of placing enough trust in anyone/anything to share my problems to an extent to be helped.
So decided to try a 10 day meditation course, the appeal being that one has to work out their own problems - no need to rely on anyone. The cost of the course was donation based, so the hardest part was getting leave from work, had to take a course at a later date than I wanted but eventually got the required leave.

Arrival: Day 0
Drove from Calgary to Merrit on June 20th in just under 8 hours, the drive itself was restful passing by mountains and rivers. Nothing too eventful yet just beautiful scenery, arrived at the Meditation Centre just after 2pm, registered and got a room assignment as well as a roomate. The building itself was a relatively new, there were four sides with a courtyard in the middle, two opposite sides held the men's and women's residences, while the two remaining ones contained the group meditation hall and dining area. Registration was relatively straight forward, filling out name brief history, meditation experience etc, then it was free time until about 6 when a light dinner was served and the rules of the centre were explained.
Firstly men and women were to be complete segregated, to reduce distractions the dining hall had a curtain divider and each side had their own walking paths, only the meditation seated both men and women though each had a respective side. Then the five precepts we would have to follow were outlined: To abstain from killing any being, to abstain from stealing, to abstain from sexual misconduct, to abstain from wrong speech, to abstain from all intoxicants (pretty easy really). Also starting at 8pm and for the duration of the course everyone had to take a vow of 'noble silence' meaning no communicating to other meditaters verbally or non-verbally, as well no writing, exercising, practicing of rites, reading, phones etc. Our entire focus should be on the meditation techniques taught, they emphasized that it was to give the technique a fair trial and so for the next 10 days live a monk's life (I thought, for someone who lived as a shut in this would be a peace of cake). We could discuss problems with meditation with the teacher or physical needs with the course manager if necessary, but otherwise it should be a rather quiet experience. As well all meals would be vegetarian, no meats or eggs, though milk and cheese was okay.
I chatted with a few people then started the Noble silence at 8pm, took a walk around the wooded paths (quite nice actually) then returned to the building to see a notice in the foyer outlining the schedule for the rest of the course:

• 4:30 am: Morning gong
• 4:30- 6:30 am Meditation in hall or your own room
• 6:30 am Breakfast served
• 7:15 - 8:00 am Free time
• 8:00 - 9:00 am Group meditation in Hall
• 9:00 - 11:00 am Meditation in hall or your own room as instructor dictates
• 11:00 am Lunch
• 12:00 - 12:30 pm Interviews with instructor by request in hall
• 12:30 - 1:00 pm Free time
• 1:00 pm - 2:30 pm Meditation in Hall or your own room
• 2:30 pm - 3:30 pm Group meditation in Hall
• 3:30 - 5:00 pm Meditation in Hall or your own room as instructor dictates
• 5:00 pm tea break
• 6:00 pm - 7:00 pm Group meditation in Hall
• 7:00 - 8:15 pm Discourse in Hall
• 8:15 - 9:00 pm Meditation in Hall
• 9:00 - 9:30 pm Open question period in Hall or free time
• 10:00 pm Lights out

Well as one can see, there was a heck of a lot of meditating to do the next day, went to bed wondering what to expect from this course as well thinking if I was capable of working through what problems I had come here for... then I thought of pizza and soundly went to sleep.

That took quite a while to write and that's just day 0, so I'll stop for now and update with the remaining 10 days later, I guess I should mention the course itself. The course is run by the Vipassana meditation centre of BC, or Dhamma Surabi (no not Dharma -that's strictly LOST) honestly the site won't be able to provide too many answers regarding the course since it is something one has to experience to understand - and since everyone's experience is different... well you know. Though for what it's worth, I think everyone should consider taking the 10 day course, one just has to be a the right point in their lives to get the full benefit from it. Well, anyway must take nappings of power so take care and more meditatey goodness will follow - stay tuned.

Ahem, back to Facecrack.. err look at the pretty flower

As the title would suggest, in stark contrast one of the topics of last post I've rejoined facebook... only 2 weeks after I quit. Though in my defense it was for economic reasons rather than a crippling addiction (hmm, that doesn't sound unreasonable at all). Meh, anyway keeping my account on facebook active while just trying not to use it as much. Let's see, well the span between blog posts has once again delved into the months, and unfortunately for me it has been a rather eventful month at that so the prospect of sitting down and blogging all that has happened in detail is rather daunting. Well, will try to update later on in the day, it's too hot to do much else - aside from work I guess. Ah, for those who are curious the flower in the picture is a winter lily found in high altitudes in the Rockies... not sure about the yellow ones though (they didn't have their own display on the boardwalk).
A short post for now, hope all are well, and enjoying the season while they can.

Of Nazi raccons, Otaku II, 300 and why I'm quitting facebook

Obviously the first bit in the title is an attention grabber, though it was apparently based in facts (somewhat). No, there weren't any raccoons running around with armbands and demanding 'Lebensraum'. Though that would be kinda cute in a weird and horrid sort of way... err, actually it was a little known Nazi officer in the ministry of forestry named Herman Goring who authorized the introduction of several exotic bushy tailed animals into German forests - 'to give bored hunters something to shoot at'. Well unfortunately this well planned idea took a turn for the worse when hunters were unexpectedly called away for 'other' duties and the newly introduced raccoons found a liking to the forest and bred like... sigh... rabbits. Apparently they are considered quite a pest in Germany these days... doubt there was any point to this little story but felt obligated to explain the Nazi raccoon thing.

Well I suppose I should continue with my recount of attending Otafest... meh not much else to say really, chatted with a few people, watched some anime, people in costumes... oh, nearly forgot the highlight of the whole convention - the 404's. Basically they are a comedy improv group along the same lines as the 'Whose line is it anyway?' group, except with a bit of a skew towards geek culture... and the infamous mousetrap game - I shall leave that to the imagination. Overall for 12 bucks for 2 days, quite a bit o fun, still felt awkward but as I stated previously, learning not to care.

After the convention managed to finally see 300, awesome in many ways... questionable in a few as well, but easily forgiven since it was entertaining. I think movies like this strike a deep cord with most men, the appeal to our primitive side yearning for battle and carnage, as well as the nobler ideals of honor, valor and brotherhood.... meh, or we just like seeing blood, guts and things going boom. There were a few things I that didn't flow well - mostly plot wise, such as the seemingly tacked on speeches of democracy and freedom, bringing in a shining new age of something or other - I almost laughed at that. Considering how the movie tries to show the rigidity and harshness of Spartan society the 'Americanized' dialogue is almost hilarious. As well anyone of middle eastern decent would find the portrayal of the invaders... all too familiar. But still for all, this is a movie - and it did what it was supposed to, a rousing and bloody well entertaining 2 hours.

On to a different type of entertainment - Facebook. I've been considering it for quite a while but finally decided I'm going to quit the social network phenom that is Facebook. There are many reasons, wasting time, the Facebook platform, ect, they are all pretty familiar. Though mainly it's a personal one, I just find that using Facebook is an easy way to distance yourself from people while still technically communicating, of course that isn't true for a lot of people but at this time I'd rather have a few more real world friends.
Though I must say it was nice reconnecting with people from the past... yet, I don't think I want to use Facebook as my only recourse to see how they're doing. Email, phone and most importantly face to face conversations are more... substantial, as well it kind of annoys me how there is this 'collection' type attitude of the social networks which at first seemed pretty reasonable on Facebook, though it's getting worse. Meh, anyway I'm leaving the world of Facebook behind, I already have email and msn so if people really want to reconnect... sigh, that comes off a bit too whiny. So I'll just end by saying, 'Safe journey and my sincere good will to all I've met in life, the friends, the enemies and the ignored, wherever you are going may the trip be exciting, joyful and most of all connect you to a few more people'.

'Of social networks, otaku, and why I just don't care'

Unless you have neither access to Internet, talk to people or do not watch TV - in some form or another you have heard of online social networking. It is a big craze particularly among all levels of current students, and while in principle it's a great way to connect to people, though I find that as with most things popular there are quite a few problems. Take one of the most talked about social networks recently 'Facebook', (which admittedly I am a member... actually this blog gets automatically posted to my profile... hmm, ah well) anyway, it can get very addictive yet while it isn't quite as bad as some other networks I've tried there are the same problems which people should be aware of yet unfortunately don't have the time or energy to look into.

Well one thing I've noticed about most online networks is that there seems to be a kind of 'collector' attitude. For most networks you invite people to be your friend and then you create a list of friends who you... well, basically keep as a scorecard. People will invite people to be friends and then never contact them again, unless you are actually have some real world interaction at least once in a while. To be honest that's only natural, for all attempts at realism and connecting to people, the Internet is a virtual world, IE not real, as in - not a substitute for real world interactions. I'm tempted to use the old quote regarding quantity and quality but I'm sure most people with some cerebral function left can see where I'm going.
As well there is a certain loss of privacy, and especially in Facebook where the defaults for privacy are dangerously low, it can lead to someone or some company having full access to your profile as well as all content you've shared - including your list of friends. In fact Facebook announced their new 'platform', where companies can use third party applications on Facebook granting them full access to a users information unless the change their privacy settings.
That doesn't mean online social networks are evil, just that one has to be fully aware of what they are signing up for and as painful as it may sound - read the fine print.

Well now that part is out of the way, I wish to speak now a self professed Otaku (geek), I say self professed because until last weekend, I had no idea how shallow my geekiness was - not that's a bad thing. For the first time I attended an anime convention... it was an interesting experience, if you don't know what anime is - well, mostly this, but fortunately sometimes this or this. Anyway getting back to the convention, called Otafest, was pretty interesting, a brief recap:
Day 1, arranged to meet friend at the convention so headed out on the Ctrain to the U of C campus. I could tell I was going in the right directino because of the various people dressed up as anime characters in scattered amoung the other passengers. Got to convention at 9 am, and proceeded to spend the next hour in line to get it - seriously never knew there were that many anime fans, unfortunately there were mostly considerably younger and a few had questionable hygiene. Though the fun part of waiting in line was watching the reaction of older people dropping off kids to the event, their faces basically read with a mixture of shock, confusion and horror, though in all fairness if your not prepared to see people dressed as assorted Ninjas, robots, androids, maids, Gothic Lolita's and even a few furries (you don't want to know) it can be mentally damaging.
Finally register, $12 for 2 days hmm, not too bad, pick up a guide book since it's probably the most useful souvenir for the convention. Taking a look at the schedule there are about 10 rooms devoted to viewing different anime, throughout the day they have different events to cater the Otaku such as; Iaido demonstration (sword fighting forms), sushi lessons, cosplay show, beat the geeks contest, a video game room, anime music video contest (music put to clips from anime, a la ici), Japanese fashion show, a dealer room (anime related not drugs), and an auction room to name a few. Though probably the highlight of the convention is the 404's, an improve group similar to 'Whose line is it anyway' with a bit of a geeky twist.
Not seeing anything too interesting, head to the dealer room - another huge line, fortunately it moves a bit faster only 30 minutes this time. Inside is where the magic happens, then is bottled and sold for $4.99 an ounce, a lot of different vendors from around the city are there to share their wares of DVD's, manga, plushies, wall scrolls, bokken, swords (very fake), plushies, Japanese music, and other assorted merchandise related to asian culture... I use culture in a very liberal sense. Still it was kinda neat to browse around the different stalls and see what was being sold, and to my own amazement found a series of DVD's that was planning to buy for 1/3 the normal price, can't go wrong there I suppose. There were a few interesting things such as an old NES system, some really beautiful art scrolls, racks of various clothing.
Meet up with a few friends and decide to grab a much needed drink and some food, fortunately there is a bar right in the building - score. Compared to the chaos outside the bar is very quiet, probably since most of the attendees already spent their money in the dealer room or are underage. The bar food is surprisingly good, and gives us the energy to walk around a bit. Check out a few anime shows, then decide to check out the cosplay show, to which another formidable line awaits. The cosplay consists of people in different costumes who then perform a skit of some kind or just pose if they're unimaginative, some of the costumes are impressive, some of the skits are funny... though often not both and for the most part neither. Leaving the show early check out a few more horrid anime for laughs then a live action ninja movie - again for laughs. Not much else going on so head for the C-Train and head home.
Unfortunately a bit of a story on the way back, our travelling group consists of myself a couple of friends and another friend of a friend who is a hardcore Otaku... hardcore. We chat a bit and at the next stop a group of rather attractive (and slightly inebriated) members of the opposite sex sit in the opposite booth, and for some odd reason actually ask us what we're up to... I seriously doubt anything would have happened but after a day of being a geek it seemed like a nice change of pace to talk to a few ladies. At that exact moment our Otaku friend decided to go into a rather impassioned recount of his anime purchases including some 'figurines', well that ended any possibility of conversation right there. Meh, that's life I guess, so that ended day 1 will probably post day 2 later as this post has already taken on a rather epic length and I have a few more things to write.
So first impressions of Otafest? Well honestly had to say I felt a bit like a dirty old man, it was fun but it is definitely these things are something you go with a group to, fortunately have a good group of people who are for the most part mature. It was very commercialized in the amount of rather useless shiny things that were sold - and bought. Though the things I appreciate about anime were also at the conference, people enjoying themselves without worrying about what other people think, taking time to show their passion and skill with costumes and performances.
That is probably what I'm going to take from my experience at the convention, if you have the courage dress up as Sailor moon while doing a pretty good impression of Vicky Pollard, while it's kinda weird - it's pretty damn impressive as well. The moral, I guess is don't care so much about what others thing, we're all a bit silly anyhow.

A bit confused?

Hmm, where to begin, well the first post of May in addition to about a month from the previous one... meh, whatever. In any event, or happenings or even 'damn that shit's messed up', been doing a bit of thinking (just a bit) and aside from realizing I spend far too much time in various ponderings - seriously it doesn't pay very well at all, it just occurred to me how similar everyone is... and by that I mean everyone. Now previously I would probably have gone into long drawn out word thingy about life, meaning blah blah blah... now however, I think it's time to stop being an ineffectual philosopher and start really working toward something.
It just seems that so much time (and money) is spent by people trying to improve themselves, I guess the danger is when one confuses improvement with self hatred -hmm, kind of like emotional plastic surgery, eh?.... yeah that doesn't sound right. Or probably more accurately substituting an natural emotional need with something provided by marketing, to that effect I think TV should be abolished... except for 10pm Monday (you know). It is so easy to get sucked into the idea of what is considered a normal/acceptable life, and to judge oneself and others by it. So what is normal? heck is there even such a thing... what would be considered a normal person? Personally I think normal would be a bit boring... make that very boring, like English food, but I guess we have to create some imaginary median of society by which we can measure ourselves. For example there are those that may strive to become the antithesis of normalcy (goths and door to door salesmen come to mind), while others will try to do everything to blend in. Actually this reminds me of a quote I once heard about racism (yeah, a bit out of the blue but it's good stuff), well as accurately as I can remember the quote was something like this:

" Racists are not people who cannot accept differences in others, but rather
they are people who hide their own differences and cannot accept others
who don't or are unable to do the same"

Quite true I think, well as much as I hate to end a post that was supposed to about confusion with a curve ball into racism, it's late and I'm weary. So to all you beautiful and unique snowflakes out there, go watch fight club. (if the last bit makes no sense, it means...