'What's this responsibility thing?'





In the past year I've had a lot of changes, I've went from a couple of dead-end jobs to one that has potential for a career, I've made new friends and sadly realized I had outgrown others, I'm independent and actually own a car (that isn't a 1980 Chevy Malibu Wagon), I've come to an understanding of what my faith is and how I see other people, I went to my first concert and found new music to refresh my spirit, I have joined a sports team and can feel improvements every time I play, I learned how to drive a standard, I have done many things that a couple of years ago I didn't think was possible for me... yet, it still feels ... small.
I've taken a look at some old diaries I kept from as far back as 1989, it's weird looking back at the words your former self has written... it's funny, sad, irritating and can be awfully depressing. Taking a look at the hopes and goals from a ghost of a memory, as I read the lines of faded pages from a cheap plastic covered notepad - all I can feel is guilt, for letting down the person who wrote up their ideas and dreams. It seems a bit harsh, though it's the truth, I'm turning 29 on April 28th... then another year till 30, and all I can look at is what my younger selves envisioned for the future - and this surely isn't it.
It is a dangerous place to be in, though fortunately my experience the past year had given my the strength to deal with it. I have learned acceptance, the past can't be changed though I can still learn from it, hopefully in the next year I can live up to the expectations my childhood composed. I just have to keep trying and with unflinching gaze see what must be done to fulfill the promises I made to myself, I know of others who were crushed by the wieght of expections from prior dreams and truly I can understand how hard it is to have enough faith in the future to keep trying. I guess that's why we are here though, to keep trying with faith in who we are and what we could be.